I received an email at work with this subject line: Feeling Normal in the Wake of Tragedy
It came from the Employee Assistance Program (EAP) after the horrific event at the Holocaust Museum and the DC Metro but it is an appropriate tag line for me.
I don't recall feeling normal since...well I would say 2005. Really it might be 2004 and then again I really can not remember ever feeling normal. Maybe they mean normal according to my own feelings and emotions? I used to consider myself a very passionate and opinionated person my faith ran deep in God and my family, I was the creative and artistic one. I had an imagination.
I was ALIVE.
I have become more patient and prone to "do the right thing" but part of me really has just given up. I have been suffocated like a flame smothered by dirt. I feel like I died a slow death with all the family members who have died in my lifetime. I wonder is this how it feels to be old, or older? Slowly all of the qualities I used to define myself are stripped from my soul with time until I am dead?
I am now boring and very careful with my words.
I am a chameleon just trying to keep the peace, keep my job, keep my family see all the goodness and LOVE my husband. Trying to love unconditionally, trying to get through each day barely allowing myself the freedom to be happy because well I am older now and have a ridiculous amount of responsibilities.
I am only 35 soon to approach the downside of my 30's, so you say "how is it that someone your age could say something like this?" Well it is quite honestly the truth; it all started when I was in the 4th grade when my great grandfather died. Since then I have lost most of my family, including my father.
Growing up my family was large, Italian and loads of fun. They didn't always get along but truthfully there was fun in that too and all of its characters. We are Italian it's only natural to argue, be loud and then run right back to love each other all over again!
I do feel like my life is tragic and I often, well let's say daily ask why I was dealt such a shitty hand. I let the Catholic guilt creep in and use the "I am paying for my sins" but I think this is bullshit, i was happier as a sinner. Some have it and some don't. End of story really. I was a comedy that quickly turned sour to Tragedy and it is not looking like that will change.
